From picking up the broken mess, you gain insight into fully appreciating the glue and construction needed to piece it back to it's former.. yet even stronger glory.
The glue that holds us together, comes in more forms than that of a shelf of a craft shop. It's singing so loudly in the shower. It's receiving that text. It's a compliment. A facebook message. It's a song on the radio, that speaks to you. It's family. It's letting the flood gates open. Friends. It's a warm cup of tea. It's a shoulder to cry on. It's the life line thrown. The words spoken. The safety net, to catch you if you did fall.
It's you. You.
You don't have to eat one slice of Swiss cheese or a piece of cherry pie, to have your beautiful butterfly moment.
I have navigated myself, to this place where I have full ownership. I hold my own microphone. I am still Loz, just now with shinier armour.
I stand on my own two feet.
My landing spot, is in the middle of a house that is 85% packed into boxes. I feel the significance of moving house, weighs heavily on me. I feel I am closing the door on this chapter of Me, and walking on with my shoulders back and completely thankful.
When you come to rely so heavily on yourself, you eventually realise.. that you are strong. You know that you can achieve. You can sell a house. You know that holding onto that former Loz, is only fuelling it's toxic nature. You bag it up, and throw it away. Alongside the twenty pairs of jeans your hips will never fit back into. Gone.
At the ripe age of 30. I think I am finally paving the way to the person I want to be. Embracing the person, I am. I am different. I have a very ironic sense of humour. I am passionate. I speak the truth. I love sharing. I am an introvert, socialising exhausts me. I need time, to just be me. I sing loudly. I am no longer avoiding eye contact. I am a great and realistic parent. I love cooking for my family. I don't rely on what I cannot provide for myself. I love funny text messages. I love sharing ideas. I do have passion. I am brave. I want to study. I want to learn. I love solitude, but I want friendships. I want to create. I want to learn how to renovate a bathroom. I want to run 5kms. I want to enjoy my freedom.
I have an extremely confident partner. It would be have been easy to float alongside that voice of confidence, living a beautiful life nonetheless. But, I have dreams that I need to voice too. Ideas that I need to cough up. I have used his strong shoulder, to guide myself to where I am. Sometimes, in my own scary situations. I pretend to be him. Fake it, until you make it. I have had him pick me up, at my weakest, Hold me, ever so tightly when my heart broke. When I thought I was useless. He is my strongest glue. He made me feel beautiful again. Gave me time, to find me. To run. To walk. To remind me, that I am Loz.. and he wished that I could see how amazing I am.
I have found a confidence, that even I believe in now.
I have given myself, this time. This time to pack up the kitchen alongside my memories. To give them the breathing space they deserve, while recognising the stance of this very strong Loz.
To appreciate the glue than binds me.
The thought of closing the door to this house for the final time, is quite confronting. Leaving behind, all those memories. Some you take with you, boxed up next to the Tupperware. Others you leave behind, drawing breath from them.